


kara sevde (the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return)

by chocolatecrack



Category: Johnny's Entertainment, SixTONES (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Hokuto-centric, Hoshinamida AU, Hoshinamida Disease, I actually did it I wrote a star tears au, M/M, Memory Loss, Mutual Pining, Mutually Unrequited, Star Tears, Stars, Tears, Trigger warning blindness, as in extreeeeeemely Hokuto-centric lol, basically this is emo boy Hokuto being all well emo, lol, mentions of 4T, welp, yep, you guessed it right
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:28:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23577667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chocolatecrack/pseuds/chocolatecrack
Summary: Taiga just nodded his head then, not even bothering with a response as he turned to leave. He closed the door behind him, the knob clicking into place, like a gunshot directed straight into Hokuto’s heart. Leaving Hokuto shattered, pink stars falling as soon as Taiga left.And with that, Hokuto realized.Taiga never looked back. Not once.
Relationships: Kyomoto Taiga/Matsumura Hokuto
Comments: 8
Kudos: 27





	kara sevde (the greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return)

**Author's Note:**

> OHMYGOD I'M FINALLY DONE.
> 
> jfc I think I've been working on this fic for about... 4 days now? this was supposed to be shorter than it is god idek akshdfskjhfdjkghjkjkl BUT ANYWAY!!
> 
> So basically, I saw this floating around twitter and well, because, as you all know, I am COMPLETELY in love with Hanahaki disease (wrote a YutoYama fic of it [here](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15941411)!) so of course I quickly fell in love with this AU too. Actually now that I think about it, this seems to be similar to what I wrote earlier wtf lol askldjskhgdjfkghdflgj but yea.
> 
> From Twitter!  
> "Like hanahaki, the cause of star tears is a situation of unrequited love by the person you love. When a person cries star tears, a sound accompanies it. (What sound this is happens to be unspecified, so this means you can decide what it is. I imagine it'd be like a twinkling...). If the symptoms are severe/the person has a serious case of the star tear disease, your photoreceptors cease to function and you go color blind. In rare cases, you may also suffer memory loss. The star tears have color and shine/twinkle when they fall."
> 
> And that is BEAUTIFUL and PAINFUL and I AM IN LOVE WITH IT.  
> So! Here's a Kyomohoku fic for all of you Kyomohoku unrequited love shippers out there. I might have made Hokuto suffer a little. Or a lot. Welp. Poor boy. I put my own twist to the concept tho, I hope it comes across as fine!
> 
> Anyways! Hope y'all enjoy reading it! Might have some typos bcos this is un-beta'd sorryyyyyyy
> 
> chocolatecrack @ LJ || scenesinmoonstruck @ Tumblr || tobikko_2007 @ Twitter if you guys want to talk!
> 
> Also: to those who want to comment but don't want to go off anon, I made an ask.fm account for fics! :D --> http://ask.fm/chocolatecrack  
> And idk omg buy me a coffee maybe? I WOULD APPRECIATE IT SO MUCH AND I WOULD LOVE U SO MUCH AND THANK U huhu ❤ --> https://ko-fi.com/GrenadineDream

To me you are stardust  
Sprinkled across a night sky  
Forever in my dreams  
 _But out of my reach_

* * *

Pink, Hokuto saw. Bright, sparkling pink, glittering against his skin like morning dew on a spring day. Like summer rain after a heatwave. Like the first snowflake in the bite of winter. Pink stars, caught in his palm, a handful. They tingled as they fell from the corners of his eyes, taking with them tiny pieces of his now fragile heart.

Taiga was his name. Kyomoto Taiga. Quiet, shy, mysterious, liked to keep to himself. Hokuto paid him no mind, focused on his studies and too much of a wallflower to actually give a fuck about anyone else. But the older boy—just half a year older than him, attractive, haunting, and so very beautiful in his own right—had apparently knocked on the doors of his heart. His heart that he had since locked and threw away the key. Except Taiga barged in and destroyed the door, ripping it off its hinges, and strolled in with a hypnotizing smile and eyes that said so much. He had settled himself in Hokuto’s heart since then, and Hokuto never did find a way to fix the lock. Taiga wasn’t even aware he did such a thing.

And with Taiga, of course, came dainty stars, pretty like the one who caused them, bright and pink. They were small, but they held so much promise and caused so much trouble, a menace for Hokuto to handle. They came in the form of tears, uncontrollably falling from Hokuto’s eyes every time he even so much thought of the way Taiga made him feel. And then, and then.

Jesse, of all people, had told him what they meant. Beautiful stars that shimmer, causing bright light but a dim future. They were a symbol of unrequited love, Jesse said. Why they were pink, he was unsure. He encountered them before, but not in that color. Hokuto’s was specific, he guessed. And then he wondered what the pink had meant.

At first, Hokuto didn’t know what caused them. When he woke one midnight, right after a terrifying nightmare that made his heart feel like it was stomped over, he felt them. And more, he heard them. Twinkling in the dark like wind chimes, bright on his pillow, pink and pretty. He thought of just one thing, of who he had spent that afternoon with. Who he dreamt about, and got his heart broken from. Of Taiga, and how he smiled and laughed at his jokes, but didn’t return his feelings.

That was it. That was where it was from.

He and Taiga got along perfectly, during the start of their friendship. Introduced by mutual friends, they got along because when they were together, words weren’t really necessary. No long paragraphs, no profound sentences, no words that were unsure. Being in each other’s presence was enough for them, sometimes. Sure they would talk, but that wasn’t where their friendship thrived. It thrived, instead, on minute touches, small gestures, a hand on a hip, an arm on a shoulder, hands touching secretly. Small messages passed through skin on skin, unwritten and unspoken truths. _I’m here. I hope you’re okay. I need you closer. I like when we’re together. I miss you, I miss you, I miss you_.

Friendship for Taiga, at least. Once Hokuto had realized that the tears were for that, the pretty pink star shaped tears that twinkled and jingled, were for Kyomoto Taiga and the way he felt for him...a broken heart wasn’t even enough to describe the hurt. Suddenly his world had turned upside down and inside out. Suddenly, with Jesse’s reminder of what the stars had meant, he had realized that he was falling down an abyss: like Alice in Wonderland, down, down, down.

Ironically, stars shone on the sky above, amidst midnight skies, forming the most beautiful of galaxies. But then again, stars fall when they get tired. And the whole world marvels at that beauty, not realizing that the star had just died, too heavy to hold itself up anymore. Maybe that’s why he had falling tears, falling stars. Maybe his heart was too heavy, couldn’t hold itself up anymore. He saw the tears on his palm again, in the shape of stars, glowing.

Why, _why_ was something so beautiful so painful at the same time?

* * *

At some point, for reasons he wanted to already forget, Hokuto’s mind seemed to want to torture him. He had wanted to completely rid himself of his feelings, tried to move on, to force himself to not _feel_ anything for Taiga. But his head and heart said something else, said the complete opposite actually. Kept reminding him that this thing, this was unavoidable. It was inevitable, falling for Taiga. It was inevitable, the hurt that came with it. Fuck his thoughts.

Because the more he thought of Taiga, the more the tears kept coming. Hokuto never liked crying, especially in front of others. Never did he like anybody to see him crying. He didn’t like anyone’s pity. And he didn’t like that it was for _this_.

So he learned control. The pink star tears fought to be let out every time he spent time together with Taiga. When they would walk around university together, when they would study together, when they would eat together, when they would be in a room together. All the moments, they had wanted to be seen, to be heard. To expose him and his heart, and how he felt towards the person he was with. But Hokuto fought them. Not today, not today.

“Hokuto, are you okay?” Taiga asked one time, noticing something wrong.

It was a close call, Hokuto remembered. Because that was the first time Taiga had called him by his first name. When Taiga did that, when he said his name, Hokuto’s heart clenched and tightened in his chest, like it was squeezed tight by an angry fist, making it hard for him to breathe. But he did, he got through. Except his eyes started watering, he started to see bright pink lights in his vision, threatening to fall. Immediately, he wiped at his tears, driving them away.

“I’m okay,” he tried to get his composure back, smiling weakly at Taiga’s direction. “I just have something in my eye.”

He wasn’t exactly lying, either.

Taiga opened his mouth, about to say something, but thankfully he let it go instead. Hokuto inwardly breathed a sigh of relief, grateful he went unnoticed. He could see the faint hint of stars on his finger, the one he used to wipe at his eyes. And it reminded him again of how bad of a situation he was in.

It reminded him again of how much he had felt for the boy in front of him. And how the boy in front of him didn’t feel the same way. Not close. Not at all.

* * *

If every time I thought of you  
A star fell,  
The sky  
 _Would be empty_

* * *

Sometimes Hokuto got so angry at the prospect of unrequited love. Why did it have to exist anyway? Why did hearts choose the ones that would hurt them most? Why not choose someone who would make them soar instead of ache? Beat instead of break? Why choose someone who wouldn’t return their feelings, not in the slightest?

Why choose someone who would cause pink stars, shimmering and twinkling, a symbol that looked so pretty but gave so much pain?

Because. _Because_.

Because Taiga was so _so_ beautiful. Taiga with his blond hair, and soft features. With his soothing voice when he talked, and his powerful one when he sang. With his fingers, so delicately touching each guitar string like they were angel hairs being combed smooth. With his smile so rare, something he gave only to those close to him, only to those who mattered, honored to have even witnessed it. With his laugh, and the way he scrunched up his nose when he did so, and the way he tilted his head back, exposing the skin of his neck. With his eyes, the windows to his beautiful soul, brightest of the bright, almost like—

“Hokuto?”

Hokuto started, breaking free from his reverie. “Hmm?” he said, afraid he was caught staring too much and too long.

“I was asking which lyrics fit the melody more, for my assignment. Were you even listening?” Taiga smirked playfully, a tease of their sometimes arguments. They would get into pretty heated ones, sometimes. But Hokuto didn’t like to think of them, and how much they hurt.

“Oh,” Hokuto responded, trying to remember the chords Taiga played before he was caught in a daydream. “Right, uh,” he tried to recall.

But Taiga’s expression changed, then. Like he somehow saw something that surprised him. “Hokuto, are you—”

But Hokuto was faster. Felt something wet pool in the corners of his eyes. Instantly, he knew what was happening, immediately getting on his feet and bolting straight for the bathroom in his dorm. Taiga chased after him, but the door was already shut and locked before he reached it.

“Hokuto, what’s happening??” he demanded with hurried knocks, rattling the door knob.

Hokuto turned on all the faucets in the bathroom. The sink, the shower, the toilet. The sound of rushing water used to drown out the sound of stars twinkling as they fell. Pink pretty stars on display, a reminder of his broken heart.

He had let his heart get the better of him, again. Hokuto cried, more out of frustration than hurt. He cried because he couldn’t control it. Couldn’t control the pain and the hurt, the love, the love. He couldn’t control the fact that he was in love with the boy banging on the door, oblivious to what he was feeling.

The stars, glowing bright pink, pooled in the sink underneath him as he sobbed. He lifted his head, staring at his reflection in the mirror, looking like an absolute wreck, pink stars falling from his eyes. _How pretty_ , he thought. He cried some more, and they shone so bright, it was blinding. _How painful,_ he thought again.

“I— I’m alright,” he tried to respond without his voice cracking. His mind flooded with memories of him and Taiga, when they were younger, when they first met. Hokuto was much more naive, much more talkative and smiley, clueless to what he was in for. Pink stars and a broken heart. “I just...I think I caught something.”

He tried to breathe, one, two, willing himself to stop crying. Stop crying, stop it. Stop this. Stop all of it. He wiped at the pink stars, twinkling as they spread on his cheeks and hands, haphazardly trying to get rid of them.

When he was sure he could go out again, could face Taiga again and not let himself get carried away, he took a deep breath. Turned off all the water and wiped his eyes clean off of pink. Slowly, he opened the door, and Taiga was standing on the other side, a worried look on his face that was foreign. Hokuto had never seen him with that much walls down.

“Are you okay?” Taiga asked, an evident concern in his voice. He looked at him with eyes that seemed so close but also so far away.

Hokuto could feel the stars, so he willed himself not to cry. Not in front of Taiga. He would never show him or tell him, no matter what. It was too much of a risk and not enough reward.

“Yea, I’m good,” he smiled, albeit weakly. Then he widened his eyes as he continued to stare at Taiga, a realization hitting him.

Taiga, although still so beautiful, still so perfect in front of him, had looked different. He was blurred around the edges, like an unfinished painting on a canvas, his colors fading. Hokuto could still see the majority of him, but he was incomplete. Hokuto shut his eyes tight and opened them wide again, wanting to make sure nothing was just clouding his vision. But his vision _was_ clouded. Clouded in all senses. Clouded with pink stars too bright, and Taiga wasn’t Taiga. He had...a pink glow around his edges. He wasn’t whole anymore. Hokuto wiped at his eyes again, but nothing was working. It was still happening.

_No_. _No, not this_.

“Hokuto, what are you—”

“I— I can’t—”

_I can’t see you whole anymore_ , was what he wanted to say. But the words wouldn’t come out. He was too stunned.

“I think you have to go,” was what came out instead. He didn’t know where they came from, but he knew he needed to say it. Knew he needed to figure out what was happening to him. Knew he didn’t need Taiga around while he did that.

He avoided Taiga’s gaze, the surprise on his face painful for Hokuto to see. He looked taken aback. “But—” Taiga started, then stopped himself. In his peripheral vision, Hokuto could see Taiga’s expression change into something else. Like he had put on a mask that he was hiding. “Okay. I’ll— Uhm, I’ll guess I’ll see you,” he turned to walk away. Hokuto weakly nodded.

_Don’t go_ , was what his thoughts screamed. _I need you here. I want you here. My heart craves you_ , was what his thoughts screamed again, and again, and again. _I’m sorry_.

“Taiga I…” he couldn’t resist. He didn’t want Taiga to know, but he didn’t want him to think it was something else too. “I just feel sick, don’t worry.”

Hokuto didn’t know if it was him, but he thought he saw Taiga sigh with relief. “I’ll call you later?” Taiga’s tone was hopeful. Hokuto was thankful for that.

Smiling weakly, he nodded. “Yea, I’ll be here.”

“Right,” Taiga turned toward the door, footsteps heavy. But he had a small smile on his face now, and honestly, that was all that really mattered for Hokuto. “Feel better.”

He closed the door carefully after him, and almost immediately, Hokuto’s tears started to fall. Pink, pretty, sounding like tiny bells.

_Feel better_ , a repeat in his head.

He hoped to feel better, too. But this was one thing you can’t recover from. No matter how much he had wanted to. No matter how much he just wanted it to go away.

* * *

Useful information from Juri said that, apparently, it caused blindness. Because of course.

It would make sense, after all. People said to never stare at the sun, because you could go blind. And well, the sun _is_ a star. So it made sense. Tears that are stars causing blindness. Absolutely perfect.

Could the universe punish him any more? Hokuto was so angry.

Honestly, what was so wrong about loving someone? And so what if he wasn’t loved back? He never asked to be loved back. And he doubted Taiga would love him back, anyway. So why the fuck would the universe have this need to punish him? To make him suffer? It was so frustrating.

It caused a great deal of negativity, too. Hokuto was more distant, nowadays. Tried to avoid people in general, tried to keep to himself. Knowing he could go blind wasn’t exactly the best type of news. Forgive him for being even more anti-social.

Especially because, more additional information from Juri, you don’t completely go blind. Which in other circumstances would’ve been great. Except apparently, you just...lose sight of the person you love. They blur around the edges, like being erased. Then they start dimming, start getting desaturated, slowly losing color, the only color remaining is their glow. The same color of the star tears that fall. Until you completely lose sight of them, just a glow about them left, almost invisible. Like a lightbulb that had run out.

And it doesn’t stop there either. Because the universe made sure you got all sorts of pain, you start forgetting the person you love. You slowly lose memory of them, slowly and slowly, until you’ve forgotten about them completely. Until it’s like you’ve never even known them.

Fantastic.

He didn’t want to forget about Taiga. He didn’t want to forget the boy who made him feel this way. The boy with the small, shy smile but strong personality. With the love for music that knew no boundaries. With the passion for singing, and every time he did, it was like there was a waterfall of hallelujahs swimming through Hokuto’s ears, like a siren sound hypnotizing all the sailors out to sea to drown.

And drown, he did. Drowned in tears made of stars that shone a bright pink, like sakuras falling towards the end of spring. Cherry blossoms once so beautiful and on display. Hokuto drowned in the thoughts of Taiga’s touch, and the thoughts of touching Taiga, when he would pull the older boy closer for a whisper, a hand on his hip. He would touch smooth, glowing skin, a blaze under his hand like a distant forest fire.

Hokuto drowned in the realization of a love not returned. Of a love unrecognized. Of Taiga only feeling this way, and not that way. Of Taiga not looking at him the same way he looked back.

Ironically, Taiga sent a smile in his direction, then, looking up from his paper, an assignment given to them by their shared professor for one of their general subjects.

“You doing okay?” he asked, chuckling. “I don’t get this equation at all,” because math wasn’t Taiga’s strongest suit, and he always asked Hokuto for help with it. 

“Yea, I uh,” Hokuto cleared his throat, gathering the courage to stop his tears from falling. “It’s a little difficult, yea,” he managed to let out a small laugh, trying to go with the flow.

Truth of the matter was, he _was_ having a little difficulty. But not in the context Taiga thought.

It was difficult for him because...Taiga had pink cheeks. A little blush on his cheeks the pretty shade of pink, soft, almost artificial. Like it was meant to be there. And that was all that Hokuto could see. The only color Hokuto could see.

He got blinder each moment they were together. Before, Taiga was just blurred around the edges. A little erased, smudged here and there when he moved. The more they spent together, though, the more Taiga disappeared. He still glowed, but it was like he was being consumed by nothingness. Slowly being taken away from Hokuto’s vision.

It’s the damn stars, Hokuto knew. The goddamn pink star tears who wouldn’t give him the time of day. Stupid star tears that he had to cry out, all because of his stupid feelings and his stupid heart.

And here they were again, wanting to fall. To blind him more.

_Fuck, fuck, fuck_. This wasn’t the time for this. “Fuck,” Hokuto accidentally cursed out loud, immediately regretting when he did.

Taiga looked at him, alert. “Why, what’s up?”

Hokuto stood and turned the other way, not showing Taiga the pink stars. But the twinkling. The faint twinkling could still be heard.

“Hokuto, what is that—”

“It’s nothing,” Hokuto responded, not letting Taiga finish.

“But I could swear, I heard—”

_Please, let it go. Please._

“It’s nothing, Taiga, honest,”

“Are you sure, because—” Taiga moved to stand, tried to step towards him.

_Get away, get away, get away_.

“ _Enough_ ,” Hokuto said firmly. He didn’t mean to sound that way. But this was too much, and Taiga needed to stop making things harder.

He gulped, then took a deep breath, mustering up all the courage he had to stop crying. With a wipe to his eyes, he turned around.

“I have a, uhm. I have to do a lot of things, and, and I can’t— I have to focus,” he knew it was a bullshit excuse. But he was desperate. Desperate to get Taiga out of there, lest he saw what was actually happening. “Sorry, is it okay if—”

“If I go?” Taiga looked at him with hollow eyes, dark and full of sorrow. There was a hint of anger there. Something Hokuto had never seen. It sent shivers down his spine. “If I leave?”

Hokuto didn’t know how to explain himself without sounding like a complete asshole. “Taiga, I’m sorry, I don’t mean—”

Taiga refused to look at him, anyway. “It’s okay,” he smiled weakly. Then he looked up, a sad smile dancing on his lips like the careful steps of a ballerina, performing a pirouette to a sad song. “It’s okay, I understand.”

“I’ll call you later,” Hokuto reassured, feeling empty. He never meant to do this. He didn’t _want_ to do this. But he knew he had to. Taiga was fading even more, now. Slowly but surely disappearing from his view. And it hurt so fucking much. “I promise, I swear, I will.”

Taiga just nodded his head then, not even bothering with a response as he turned to leave. He closed the door behind him, the knob clicking into place, like a gunshot directed straight into Hokuto’s heart. Leaving Hokuto shattered, pink stars falling as soon as Taiga left.

And with that, Hokuto realized.

Taiga never looked back. Not once.

* * *

For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen:  
A gaseous nebula must collapse  
So collapse. Crumble.  
This is not your destruction  
 _This is your birth_

* * *

He pretended not to hear them. Three knocks on his door, sudden, persistent, unrelenting. Hokuto needn’t look to know who was on the other side of the door.

Hokuto tried to calm his breathing. But the stars, the stupid goddamn stars, forced their way out of his eyes, still. Made him cry rivers and constellations and it fucking sucked. Everything sucked. He wiped at his cheeks, a pink tinge on his fingers and his palms like lipstick stains of a love affair.

Funny how love affairs were anything but serious, and yet feelings were mutual. Meanwhile, he was ready to give up the world and then some for Kyomoto Taiga. He was ready to bleed and break for the beautiful boy. Give him all that he deserved and more. And yet his feelings were not returned. The world worked in unfair ways.

The stars fell on his notebooks, his papers, tainting them with blinding glitter. They looked hideous.

The knocks repeated. When he took too long to answer, wishing to just ignore the knocks until the person, the person he knew too much, decided to give up, the door swung open wide. Hokuto cursed, forgetting the fact that he didn’t slide the lock home earlier. Dammit.

Taiga marched in without warning and without permission, a determined look on his face, stern. He stopped in front of Hokuto’s desk, the younger boy looking once at him, then looking back down, trying to distract himself with his schoolwork. Taiga was having none of it.

“Is there a reason you’re avoiding me? Completely, I might add,” his voice sounded like acid. Taiga never did learn how to pull his punches. It broke Hokuto’s heart even more.

He didn’t want to answer, really. But Taiga sounded like he needed one. So Hokuto obliged.

“Completely? I don’t know what you mean,” he wasn’t keen on telling the truth, though.

Taiga scoffed. “Let’s not act dumb, shall we?” which pissed Hokuto off, of course. Why does Taiga have this need to be around him always, anyway? He was making things harder and it made Hokuto so angry.

“Excuse me?” he looked up, royally pissed. But when their eyes locked, he looked away again, gritting his teeth.

“No calls, no texts. We have one class together, _One_. And even in that, you don’t so much as look at my direction. Always leaving early, walking ten steps ahead of me, avoiding eye contact. Like what you’re doing now. _Of course_ ,”

Hokuto finally stood up, trying his best to calm down. No need for two ticking time bombs. Especially because Taiga seemed to have exploded already. “And your point is?”

Taiga looked appalled. Apparently Hokuto won the award for pissing him off. Great. “Point is, you _jerk_ ,” he emphasized the word with an insane amount of disdain, “that if you have a fucking problem with me, say it to my face. I don’t appreciate being left in the dark.”

“No one’s leaving you in the dark, Kyomoto,” Taiga looked surprised. Hokuto stopped calling him by his last name months ago. Him doing it again meant _something_. “Did you ever just stop to consider that maybe, oh I don’t know, people have other things to do too? Other than be with you?”

It was the complete opposite of what Hokuto wanted. Hokuto wanted to be with Taiga always. Because he made his heart beat like no one else could. Made him think he was invincible. Like he stood on top of the world and even if he jumped down, it would all be worth it. Like he was in paradise, and he and Taiga were the only inhabitants.

But the stars. The stupid fucking pink stars.

Hokuto was thankful they weren’t falling now. A miracle, really. The last thing he wanted was Taiga seeing them. No need to add more fuel to the huge fucking flame.

“Wow. That is just— _wow_ ,” Taiga had a bitter smile on his face, not believing Hokuto just said what he said. “Oh, I’m sorry, _Matsumura_ ,” because two could play at that game, “am I taking up too much of your precious fucking time?”

Taiga was being ridiculous, but Hokuto knew it was because he was angry. And maybe that was better. Maybe Taiga needed to be angry for this.

“And if you are?”

Taiga looked more pissed than ever. “And I am, wow. Of course, of course I am. You want me to stop hanging out with you, is that it?”

“And if I did?” Hokuto knew Taiga hated it when you answered his questions with questions too. But he was at a loss. This was the only thing he knew would work. And this needed to work.

“So that’s it, then? You don’t want to be with me?” Taiga’s expression looked like pure stone and steel. And nothing was getting past it.

Hokuto knew he needed to do this, no matter how much he hated it. It was for the best, anyway. It was easier this way. Taiga had everyone else, and Hokuto would be left alone. But it didn’t matter. None of it fucking mattered. The only thing that mattered was that Taiga found someone better than him. Someone who deserved him. Someone he actually loved. And someone who wouldn’t complicate things with pink stars, and ongoing blindness, and unrequited love.

Hokuto couldn’t even see Taiga that much anymore. There was only a hint of him left. More and more, he faded. More and more, he took Hokuto’s heart with him. 

“And if I didn’t?”

Hokuto was tired. He was too tired for this, and what does it matter anyway? Why was Taiga angry? So what if he lost Hokuto? He could go find some other person willing to be with him and be friends with him and wouldn’t grow feelings for him.

It was exhausting, having to constantly keep his...disease a secret. Because that was what it was. A stupid fucking disease. And if Taiga goes, the better and easier it is to keep it. The better and easier it is to love from afar, to love with no return, to love with a broken heart. It was Taiga who was being difficult.

Hokuto closed his eyes, imagined a universe where he didn’t fall in love with Kyomoto Taiga. Where he didn’t have his heart ruined and his eyes tainted.

He couldn’t do it. In all universes, no matter what, he knew he would still fall in love with Taiga. In ways more than one.

So he opened his eyes, then, knew he needed to give a final blow to end things. End their friendship. Band-aids hurt less if you pull them quickly, after all. Except.

Except when he opened his eyes, Taiga wasn’t there anymore. Not because he had left but because he was there, but he _wasn’t_ there. Hokuto couldn’t see him. He had gone fully blind now, from seeing Taiga. Taiga’s image, completely erased and restricted from his vision. The only thing left of the boy was a faint pink glow, almost an outline of him. Other than that, nothing was there. Not even his smile. Not even his eyes.

“I can’t—” _I can’t breathe_ , was what Hokuto wanted to say. Normally, pink blinding star tears would fall, especially at that moment. But Hokuto was too stunned to even cry.

“I don’t—” _I don’t understand_.

“You’re not—” _You’re not there anymore_.

“I— I can’t—” he felt like he was running out of oxygen, and the beat of his heart got slower, and slower.

Taiga’s voice came as a mumble, like that was fading too. “Hokuto, what do you—”

“I can’t see you. I can't see you anymore,” Hokuto felt like his heart stopped in his chest. He had said it. He had revealed himself. Fuck.

“But— no,” Taiga said, voice broken. It was haunting that Hokuto could hear him but not see him. Like talking to no one, going crazy. Maybe he was already. “No. We’re friends. You’re not pushing me away like this. I don’t _understand_. Why the _fuck_ are you doing this? Why can’t you see me anymore?” Taiga had never sounded so desperate before.

It was then that Hokuto realized that it was Taiga who didn’t understand. He thought Hokuto meant that they couldn’t see each other anymore, couldn’t be together, couldn’t hang out, have a laugh, exchange smiles, share secrets. In a way, it was like that. But this was far more complicated.

“Taiga, no, wait, I meant—”

But Taiga had already turned the other way, a bitter laugh escaping his lips.

“Fuck you, Matsumura,”

An arrow shot straight at Hokuto’s heart, hitting the target perfectly.

“You know what? Okay, you want me gone? With no fucking explanation? Fine,” there was so much disdain in Taiga’s voice that he could bottle it up and give it to Hokuto to poison him.

And as if he wasn’t already digging his own fucking grave, Hokuto just had to speak again.

“It’s better this way,”

He forced himself to believe it was. Doesn’t make it any less heartbreaking.

Taiga balled his hands into fists, but he stood his ground.

“I hope you’re fucking satisfied,”

He took a step, and another, and another, and Hokuto wanted to call out to him, tell him the truth, tell him what was actually happening. But he was too much of a coward. Taiga deserved better.

With sure steps, Taiga was out of the door, out of the dorm.

And out of Hokuto’s life.

* * *

The sound of twinkling haunted Hokuto each night.

On normal days, he would wake up from nightmares of blond hair, shy smiles and a beautiful voice. Dreams, they used to be. Now they’ve turned dark and grey and full of sadness. A memory of what could’ve been, but didn’t.

On unusual days, the nightmares were full of almosts. Taiga and him almost being together, almost making it, almost being in love. But that was all they ever were. An almost. And yet they weren’t even that. All they’ll ever be was a never.

Never did Taiga fall for him. Never did Taiga love him back. Never did Taiga see him that way. Never, never, never. Because why else would the pink stars exist anyway, if he did?

Hokuto had cried himself to sleep each night ever since that day. Since the day Taiga left as he had asked. His pillows would get flooded with pools of pink, shining, glittering, twinkling as they fell from eyes that were tired. So tired of crying and pouring his heart out. His broken heart. In all directions, in all possibilities.

One, two weeks he had been unable to get out of his dorm. On some days, he wasn’t even able to get up from his bed. Too weak to move and too lost to function.

Sometimes, he would wake up screaming. A desperate wail from a broken voice, bouncing off of the dorm walls like an ambulance siren. The tears wouldn’t stop, they wouldn’t stop shining and twinkling and Hokuto was _exhausted_. They seemed to have increased, ever since the fight. Ever since Taiga had walked out. And Hokuto didn’t have anyone to blame but himself.

The worst times, though, were the quiet nights. Nights where he didn’t know what day it was, what time it was exactly. How long he had been staring at his bare ceiling. His breaths the only thing he was aware of, a slow inhale and exhale. Feeling like an empty shell in a space too big but also too small, just existing. The tears came in small drops, then. Looking like the tiniest gems, sounding like the smallest of bells. And he felt...hollow. Too fucking hollow.

He didn’t fucking know what else there was to do. All he wanted in the world was to get rid of the tears already. But he was so hopeless, clueless on how to fix it, how to fix himself. Too broken to be whole again, Taiga taking Hokuto’s heart with him when he left. No permission asked.

Once, Kouchi tried knocking on his door, asking him to go out and get some fresh air. He refused his entry, not even bothering to acknowledge the boy. Another time, Kouchi brought Shintaro with him, tag teaming to convince Hokuto. Pissed, and still so goddamn heartbroken, he told them to kindly fuck off and leave him alone. The stars kept falling, still.

_God, when will it stop?_

Hokuto thought he should’ve out-teared himself already. But the stars don’t seem to want to stop, not even showing any signs of lessening or slowing down. He almost wondered why. But then he remembered that his heart still, _still_ , screamed Kyomoto Taiga’s fucking name, still craved for him. He thought it the most unfortunate thing.

Only, he didn’t know that the worst was yet to come.

One morning, when sunlight harshly flooded his room from the small space between his off-white curtains and woke him up, he thought of Taiga. He thought hard about him. Not on purpose, but on instinct. Except he couldn’t think of him the same anymore.

Because he couldn’t remember what he looked like.

_No. No, please no_.

He shot straight up, sitting on his bed, hyperventilating, almost a panic attack.

Taiga. Kyomoto Taiga. That was his name. He had—

_His eyes, they were...no, wait. And his smile. What does his smile look like? His hair. His laugh. How did it sound? His hands, his stance, the way he sat on his seat in class. How? What does he look like?_

But he couldn’t remember.

No matter how much Hokuto tried, he couldn’t remember. Not Taiga’s hair, not Taiga’s smile, not his hands, his laugh, his touch, his lips. None of it. He could still remember Taiga, but he couldn’t remember him the same. Not the way he knew him. It was like there was a blank page in his mind, an image erased, and there were no traces left of it. A page burnt. A page ripped off, crumpled, and thrown away. A page, the most important page, forgotten.

He had forgotten. Hokuto had started to lose his memory of Taiga. They told him it would happen eventually. That it was where it led.

And soon, he was going to forget about him completely. Like he never knew him. Like they had never even met.

Like Kyomoto Taiga didn’t exist in his life.

Hokuto couldn’t breathe. But he could feel his heart, feeling like it was going to jump out of his chest, wanting to break free of its cage. He clutched at his chest, then. As if telling his broken heart to stay. To not leave him. _Please. Stop this_.

A single tear full of pink stars, twinkling, fell from his eye. Hokuto knew exactly what it meant, and he hated it. He hated it so much.

But not as much as he hated himself.

* * *

You are the first morning thought,  
The last evening sigh  
And every goddamn thing  
 _In between_

* * *

Rain. Pouring rain outside. 

It wasn’t a raging storm, but more of a light pitter patter. Kind of like a whisper with a dangerous effect, a tiptoe on stepping stones. Small, thin drops hit Hokuto’s window as he stared at it, envious of the clouds and their freedom to be able to show the world their downpour. Meanwhile he had to hide his own.

A faint hint of petrichor seeped through the windows, reminding him of how much the outside world still breathed. It made Hokuto realize that even if he decided to go on pause, the world still moved. Still went on like nothing had happened. The Earth was still turning, hour by hour, day by day. Even if his own seemed to stop and fall apart. Even if his own was nothing but whole.

He wished for more days like this. More days that reflected what he felt inside. A mirror’s image of his constant pain. At least he didn’t have to feel so alone.

He was sure he was wasting time away. He was also sure that he didn’t give a shit.

As if a clock’s alarm, there was a faint knock on his door, so silent he almost didn’t catch it. He assumed it must be one of his persistent friends, rolling his eyes from irritation.

“Jesse, I swear to christ, leave me the fuck alone,” he responded, loud enough to get through the door.

But the knocking continued, and his tears fell from his eyes for some damn reason, not that Hokuto cared enough to stop them. No one was around to see them anyway.

“If that is Kouchi or Shintaro on the other side of door, I hope he or they know that they need to kindly fuck off and go away,”

Hokuto didn’t even bother getting up from the bed. Whoever the fuck was on the other side was going to get tired, and they’ll eventually leave. He just needed to drive them away. Push everyone away. All of them.

And yet, there were still knocking. Still persistent knocking on his door, unrelenting. Hokuto had had enough.

He groaned, furiously got up from bed with gritted teeth, an anger in his eyes that shone. He was _tired_ , for fuck’s sake. He wanted to be left alone with his stupid pink star tears that twinkled and haunted him and tortured him and took all the pieces of his heart and broke them even more. He wanted to suffer alone. Because he didn’t want to drag anyone into his mess. Into the mess that _he_ was. They all deserved better than that. Couldn’t they see it?

“Juri, I am not in the mood,” he said, pissed, gripping the door’s knob and opening the entrance with a strong force, wanting to properly tell the other person off.

Except, when he opened the door, there was no one. Just a ghost of a person that he once knew. A person whose image he couldn’t remember anymore, no matter how much he tried, no matter how much he forced himself to. A person with a faint glow around his edges, outlining him, like a pink light from a dying star.

Taiga.

Hokuto didn’t need this, the most.

Without a word, he was about to shut the door again and click the lock in its place. But a steady and firm hand stopped it from closing, holding it open.

“We need to talk,”

Hokuto hadn’t heard that voice in a long time. Too long, in fact. He hated that he missed it, and _him_ , despite only admitting it to himself.

“There’s nothing left to talk about,” he tried to glare. He wasn’t sure if it came out right though.

Still, Taiga was apparently standing his ground. Or he seemed to, Hokuto guessed. He couldn’t actually _see_ it. It was such a ridiculous concept, this blindness. He looked like a madman.

“There are a _lot_ of things to talk about,” Taiga gritted his teeth, judging from the sound of his voice. Hokuto knew he was the reason for his anger.

Didn’t they do this dance already, weeks ago? He didn’t need nor want another round.

“Taiga…” the name sounded foreign on his lips, “please, _please_ , leave.” Hokuto could feel the stars. Could feel them wanting to be let out, wanting to fall.

“No,” Taiga insisted. “I am not leaving here until you tell me what the _fuck_ went on because this fucking thing is _eating me alive_ , and I don’t like that. Call me selfish all you want. But you are going to let me in, and you will explain yourself. You owe me that much.”

Each word, a bullet. Each word, a nail to the coffin. Each word, a petal plucked from the prettiest flower. He loved me? He loved me _not_.

Hokuto stared and stared and stared into space, until eventually he sighed, defeated. He didn’t exactly allow Taiga in, but he was _tired_. Whatever the fuck Taiga wanted to do, hurt him more, he could do. Hokuto had enough.

So he turned and moved away from the door, secretly wiping at his star filled eyes. He heard the door shut, and assumed Taiga entered his room.

“Hokuto, what the fuck is happening??” Taiga demanded, voice sounding miles away. “And you better tell me this time, or so help me—”

“It _hurts_ ,” Hokuto surprised even himself, when he responded. Especially because it was the truth.

“What do you mean?” Taiga took a step. “What does?”

“Being with you,” Hokuto admitted, and he swore he heard Taiga’s breath hitch. “Being with _you_ , hurts.”

And maybe if he hurt Taiga too, he would finally leave him alone.

“It physically _hurts_. _You_ cause my pain. Isn’t that just amazing?? It’s the _worst_ I’ve ever felt, and yet, here you are. Insisting on wanting this, wanting to talk, wanting to be with each other!! It’s _exhausting_ , being with you.”

“I don’t believe you,” there was a tremble in Taiga’s voice, and no. No please. That was the last thing Hokuto wanted. Taiga crying would be the death of him. “No, _no_. I don’t believe you.”

But he needed to say this.

“Why won’t you just leave me alone?? I was doing fine!”

“Fine? _Fine_?? _Look at you_!!” Taiga shouted at the top of his lungs. “You lock yourself in here, not even bothering seeing anyone else, all because you think you have a right to tell people what they do and do not deserve! Fucking asshole.”

Hokuto gritted his teeth, but he tried to keep calm. “You don’t fucking understand! And you never will.”

“You can’t even face me right now! What are you so scared of??”

Hokuto balled his hand into a fist, seething. “Leave me alone, Taiga.”

“And here you are, pushing people away _again_. Hokuto, wake the fuck up!”

“Please, _please_ , just go. I am _begging_ you,” Hokuto was desperate. “You don’t get it.”

“Get what??”

He couldn’t stop himself anymore. The star tears had fallen again, the sound of twinkling evident in the air. Hokuto couldn’t do it. Not anymore. He was tired, tired of hiding, tired of not telling the truth. Tired of everything.

“You don’t get it,” he said again.

“Then make me understand!!” Taiga shouted. And that was it. That was the trigger.

Hokuto turned around, pink stars falling from his eyes, erasing more memories of Taiga. Fading slowly into the distance.

“I can’t remember you!!”

Taiga’s faint glow flickered. Hokuto wasn’t sure if it got dimmer, or brighter. But it changed. _Something_ changed.

“W-what…” Taiga’s voice was shaking, like something punched at his chest and tore out his heart. Hokuto didn’t understand why. “What do you… I don’t...”

Hokuto hung his head, absolutely and completely defeated. He wiped at the star tears that seemed to have been endlessly falling. Then he realized that Taiga must’ve seen them by now. That he must’ve figured out what they meant. Now, he knew. Now, he was going to break Hokuto’s heart even more.

“I started forgetting last week,” Hokuto sighed. Might as well tell the whole truth. He had nothing left to lose, anyway. “It started with just how you looked. Then it started taking away my memories. All the times we were together. All the times we…” _were happy_. They were so happy. And now Hokuto couldn’t even remember it.

“And I can’t remember you anymore!” the tears kept coming, and he didn’t know how to make them stop anymore. “I just— I can’t! I tried to, I tried _so fucking hard_ to remember, but it— it wasn’t—” _It was too painful_ . “None of it was working! They kept disappearing. I couldn’t get them back anymore.” _I couldn’t get you back anymore._

“Hoku…” Taiga took another step towards him. Hokuto could _feel_ his presence getting closer.

“No _please_ , don’t. Don’t come closer,” he warned, desperate. The tears. They were too much. They were blinding, the whole world around him a blur. “They’re going to— and I can’t—”

But Taiga came closer, anyway, and Hokuto could feel him in his personal space, a mere hair’s breadth away. He felt goosebumps all over.

“Taiga…” the pink stars didn’t show any signs of stopping. All of his feelings, the whole truth to them, out on display for Taiga to see.

“Hokuto…” Taiga whispered, “please, close your eyes.”

Hokuto furrowed his eyebrows, confused to what was going on.

“But—”

“Please just—” Taiga took a deep breath. “Do it. Please,” his voice sounded so small. So intimate. “For me?”

Hokuto could swear one of his heartstrings broke.

But he obliged, anyway. Slowly, he closed his eyes, pink star tears still falling, still flooding the room with the sounds of twinkling. He could see constellations and galaxies behind closed eyelids, amongst the darkness. Clusters of stars that kept reminding him of a love that was not returned.

He felt Taiga come even closer, intent on saying something.

“ _Open them_ ,” he whispered, tickling Hokuto’s ear, the words sending shivers up and down his spine.

Slowly, Hokuto eyelids fluttered open, like butterfly wings taking on their first flight. When he opened them, when he finally had processed enough of what had happened, he saw it.

He saw _him_.

Kyomoto Taiga, standing in front of him, too close and yet not close enough. He wasn’t a faint glow anymore, he was _whole_. Blond hair, bright eyes, full lips. Hokuto was stunned.

Wide eyed, he took a step back, knees shaking. “How are you— you’re— how did this happen I—”

The pink stars twinkled as they fell from his eyes, more than they’ve ever fallen. For some reason, these tears felt different. Like they were saying something to him, somehow.

But how? How could he see Taiga now? What happened?

Taiga lifted a hand, ghosting his palm on Hokuto’s cheek, caressing him with a light touch of his fingers, like he was being careful not to break him more.

He gave a small smile, a flash of relief on his features. His eyes were watering, and Hokuto could swear he saw— “So this is what you look like.”

Hokuto felt like he had been hit by a bus.

What did Taiga mean by that? Of course he had seen Hokuto. They had always been together, what did he mean by saying that? That this was what Hokuto looked like? Didn’t Taiga know? Didn’t he see him? Unless he—

Hokuto couldn’t breathe.

He was supposed to speak, ask Taiga what was going on. Because he was going crazy, his mind going to dangerous places full of wishes, and maybes, and _hope_. So much hope, he clung to it, praying that they weren’t false.

Right when he opened his mouth to say something, tears fell from Taiga’s eyes. Black, like ink. Except they shone, too. Like a midnight sky that was sprinkled with a billion stars, beating out the moon’s shine.

_No. No, that can’t be_.

“Taiga, you—”

“I’ve forgotten what you looked like. It was so long ago, I can’t even remember at all. Then the memories…” Taiga let out a small, weak laugh, remembering something that gave him pain. “I’ve forgotten everything about you, really,” 

“W-what…” Hokuto’s voice shook, cracking. “What do you mean?” he could barely manage a whisper, let alone a sentence.

“The only thing I remembered was your name,”

“Then— then why did you keep wanting to be with me? You barely know me, you only know my name, you don’t know what I look like, you don’t remember anything we ever did together, you don’t—” Hokuto stopped himself. More tears fell from Taiga’s eyes. He looked closely, finally figuring it out.

They were stars. Black stars, he saw. He thought the twinkling came from his own tears, but it was from Taiga. It came from Taiga’s eyes, from his own star tears, black but sparkling. They looked like they shone more than his own. More blinding.

“You’re— black stars. You’re crying black stars,” he finally acknowledged. “Why? Are you...”

Was he? Was that the reason? Hokuto didn’t want to guess anymore. He was done being unsure.

"The only time I’ve ever seen you was when we met,”

Taiga’s voice was so quiet, Hokuto thought it was a figment of imagination. But it wasn’t. It was real. _This_ was real.

“After that? Black stars. Blindness. You disappeared from my vision so quickly, and I _missed you_. I haven’t even seen you all that much and I already missed you,”

Hokuto took careful breaths, willing air back into his lungs, because they felt like they were going to give out. Taiga moved closer to him, caressing his cheek, still. Hokuto lifted a hand to hold Taiga’s wrist, holding him steady, wanting to keep him there. Wanting to keep him forever.

Taiga angled his head upwards, getting them closer. “Two months ago, I started forgetting you. It broke my heart so much,” he cried more star tears. “I didn’t want to forget you. I tried so hard, Hokuto, I only remembered your name, but I knew you _meant_ something to me. So every day, you were a new person to me. Someone I could meet again and again and again, constantly make new memories with, learn about all over again, but I didn’t even _care_ , because you were with me. Because we were together. Because _I have you_ ,” then something in his voice broke. Like a realization. “ _Had_ you.”

Hokuto’s breath hitched.

“When you pushed me away, when you told me not to see you anymore, I thought you had found out,” Taiga’s star tears kept falling and Hokuto wanted nothing more than to make them disappear. “I thought you wanted me gone. I thought because you didn’t like me back you wanted me to stay away.”

“Taiga, no, no, I—” his own tears fell, pink stars twinkling. “I kept you away because I…”

This was it. There was no going back after this.

“Because I fell in love with you,”

With a heavy heart, Taiga cried and sobbed and he breathed like it was his last breath.

“And you _have_ me, Taiga. You never lost me, you never did. You have me, you _still_ have me, you’ll always have me and—” Hokuto was crying so much, he felt like the tears were never going to stop. But he had said. He had finally told Taiga.

“Oh, Hoku…” Taiga smiled at him, beautiful black stars falling from his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Hokuto pulled Taiga closer, cradled his jaw in his hands, wanting to touch. Wanting to tell him that he was wrong, that he did wrong, that he shouldn’t have done that. “I’m so sorry, Taiga, I didn’t know. I didn’t—”

“Hey, hey, sshhh,” Taiga pulled him closer, too, resting their foreheads together as he tried to calm Hokuto down. “I know. I know.”

But that wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough that Taiga knew. Hokuto wanted to make sure he really did.

He took Taiga’s face in his hands, a touch so light because he felt like he was going to break him and lose him and Hokuto didn’t want that. 

Taiga closed his eyes, and slowly, Hokuto kissed his tears away. The black shining stars tasted like stardust on his tongue, a burning and bitter sensation staying. He kissed all of them away, wanting to get rid of them, to tell the universe that it was wrong. That Taiga's love was returned. Returned in a greater amount, returned in a way he didn’t even think was possible.

It felt like the world had stopped moving. Taiga had forgotten everything else around him except the feel of Hokuto’s soft lips on his cheeks, slowly kissing away his tears goodbye. Then Hokuto went back to him, to face him, a whisper in his mouth.

“ _You have galaxies in your eyes_ ,” he said carefully, each word feeling like a falling star hurling its way to Earth. “ _I would like to get rid of them_.”

As if a vast number of supernovas had burst, Taiga pulled Hokuto in hurriedly, a fierce kiss landing on the younger boy’s mouth. Taiga laced his fingers through Hokuto jet-black hair, black as the darkest midnight, pulling him closer and closer, like he couldn’t breathe without him.

Hokuto pulled Taiga closer to him, arms wrapping around Taiga like Saturn’s icy rings, a tight hold. The universe was too wide, and too mysterious, and too unsure but this wasn’t. This boy in his arms, this boy he was in love with, and the way he felt for him, wasn’t. He was sure of this, of all of it. Of being in love with Taiga.

“ _I love you_ ,” Taiga said between kisses, desperate and wanting. “ _I love you so much_.”

And of Taiga being in love, back.

They had both cried in the kiss, midnight black mixing in with bright pink. But the twinkling faded. The blindness disappeared. The stars fell, and fell, and fell. Until Hokuto noticed that he was crying tears. But there were no more stars. He pulled away and stared at Taiga, stared at the tears on his face and the lack of shimmer in them.

The stars had gone. Dissipated into thin air, losing all of its shine. 

Hokuto cried again, but with a smile this time. He pulled Taiga in for another kiss, hurried, passionate, like stealing breaths from each other’s lungs and giving the same amount back. Like they wouldn’t be able to breathe if the other wasn’t there. Like they were each other’s lifeline, and they both knew it.

The memories started coming back, then. Hokuto could remember _everything_ now. Everything he did with Taiga, all the time spent with him, all the ways he made Taiga smile and all the ways Taiga made him smile back.

Hokuto pulled back for a while, and opened his eyes, staring into Taiga’s own. He noticed that they looked different. More alive. _More beautiful_. Something Hokuto didn’t want to ever lose.

“I’m here,” Taiga whispered, as if reading his mind. “You have me. I’m not going anywhere.”

Nodding slowly, Hokuto pulled Taiga in again for another kiss, slower this time, beating out eons and light-years. Taiga smiled into it, and Hokuto couldn’t help but do the same.

With this kiss, Hokuto knew. _Finally_.

With this kiss, Hokuto was sure. _Forever_.

And with this kiss, all the stars aligned, Taiga's constellation in his heart.

**Author's Note:**

> I am so weak at endings idek ugh ajksdsjkhgjdfkghdfjkghkl. BUT!! Thoughts?


End file.
